the state i am in

"all the way back home / i’m telling you I caught the sun / creeping up behind my shoulder / and another day’s begun/ i was following a trail / i’d never been along before / chasing darkened skies above me / looking like the spring / like the winter / and the morning"
"and the moment will come / when composure returns"
"now i spend my days turning tables round in marks and spencer / they don't seem to mind" (belle & sebastian)

last night i was watching belle & sebastian live for the first time in my life. oh my, no one could imagine how much i love, love, love belle & sebastian. i've wanted to see them play live for so many years. i think it must be about eight years ago that i first listened to a song of them... they followed me for years and years. until now. belle & sebastian is one of those bands that make me feel at home in their songs. it's a combination of lyrics and sound and everything inside me that makes them so very special to me. all my hopes, aspirations and dreams are in some kind related to their songs. i've listened to them for so long. i can't really remember if those feelings and longings have been a part of me before i knew them or if they came along with listening to all these lyrics full of wishfulness for so many times. i've wrapped up my aspirations in books, i've marked new destinations in a map and marked them with a pin and with a gin. i've walked on sand and i've been dreaming of turning tables round in marks and spencer, i've taken last busses out of town, i've found myself cought in love, restlessness has siezed me every spring, every winter and every morning... summers have passed by and i've wanted the world to stop for oh so many times. mostly in summer. and lately i find myself in a situation i really didn't see coming. never ever. lot's of things changed. lot's of aspirations i've had for the past eight years never came true, lot's of them and others are still inside me, old ones and new ones. life has changed. and i'm still changing nothing and everything at all... within those last months i thought most of my dreams and hopes are lost or buried so deep inside me, i'll never reach them again. last night brought everything back... (there was a time we lived in truth / let's bring it back as mates of state would sing). i remembered who i was and who i've always wanted to be. the first lines of the first song 'i didn't see it coming' reminded me of everything and almost moved me to tears... i'm one of those persons who is living in in a belle & sebastian song. one, that is never living in the real world. and i think one, that never ever wants to live in the real world. i want to keep my greenness, my
faith in justice, the pains of being pure at heart and believing in everything good in this world. and i want the world to stop. in spring, in summer, in winter. every morning. and there's still so much to be done while my head is still young...