we get hurt, we get lost, we get found

"there's a kiss / there's a fight / there are dreams"
"... i can't feel anything / i just keep going"

yesterday a complete stranger started a conversation with me in a supermarket. it's a strange world where you get suspicious because someone asks you something. at first i was suspicious, i have to admit that. but than the conversation went on and on and i kind of got lost in it. it started with mozzarella cheese, went on to italy, croatia and sharks, thomas bernhart and claus peymann, the theatre, art, travelling and the opera. i love conversations where you start at one point and end somewhere completely different. a talk like a ping-pong game. one thing follows another and everything makes sense. during the conversation and in the end. these days it's the little things that make me happy and that make my day. and these forty minutes or something made my day. i learned how to get standing tickets in the opera and that the opera can be a kind of therapy. now i think i have to try that, even if i never ever thought i would be that kind of person that would ever go into the opera. i think i smiled during the whole conversation because i love that kind of talking. that kind that makes absolutely no sense and at the same time most sense of all...

and today there was a visit at the ikea, shopping at ikea also makes no sense and it makes completely happy... a pavillon for the upcoming markets had to be bought. and there was prinzesstarta and the other great tart. and swedish cranberry juice. and a lot of rain. and a pretty awesome gardenchair that had to wait because there was no free hand to carry it home.

my heart is as strong as a drummer

"slow down, please, slow down / i need to find peace anywhere in me / i feel like i'm under water, struggling to get air / i feel like i'm lost in this body, trying to get inside my head / i wanna know what i'm thinking what i'm feelin / what i want my life to be / i wanna know how i plan to make things easier / for everyone but me" (those dancing days)

"may you grow up to be righteous / may you grow up to be true / may you always know the truth / and see the lights surrounding you / may you always be courageous / stand upright and be strong / may you stay forever young" (bob dylan)

i've been ill for so, so many days. my throat, my lung, my head... i felt really, really bad. and it still isn't over. i've been sleeping for days. not so much at nights because i spent those coughing like crazy and until my head and everything else inside me went cuckoo. but crazy as i am i was also working on new pieces... there are two new cardigans for men finished and six apron dresses. there are a few more pieces to be done. then there will be a new photoshooting.
i always believed one can live happy for ever and ever and every day must be great. these days i've learned that life is not like that. maybe. there are some days or hours that are great and worth everything. but not everything is colored and shiny. these last two days had quite a couple of wonderful, sparkling hours in them... seeing "allo darlin" two days in a run was pretty great. i love their optimism, their heartwarming summersongs, their smiles... i think i thought life should always feel like these songs.
i've lost trace in so many ways. i'm not quite sure my heart is really as strong as a drummer. in fact i don't think so anymore. when the future turns and all things one believed in change or seem to be lost, things are weird. sometimes i think, things are going to be good, i just have to learn lots of lots of things and sometimes i think i would love to run... run and find a life that feels like an "allo darlin" song...